I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
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Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.