Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I hate when that happens.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
(yawn)
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.