“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Encore…
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
We have a winner.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.