Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
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Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
what’s more important?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons