Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
who will stop them
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.