How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Realize this:
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.