“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds