The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
You Might Also Like
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My love language is deader than Latin
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My work here is done
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened