Wedding planning is organized crime.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Midwest trash talk
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.