This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
lmfao come on
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Blew out my flip flop…
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked