inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
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Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Poetry is my passion
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Every photo I’m tagged in
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
he’s doing your taxes
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.