4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
You Might Also Like
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Yes
Wait for it
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course