Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today