If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
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dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I wish I could veto my bills.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.