hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*