Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.