I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.