People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
President The Rock Obama
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Sunday
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait