Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Bringing home a sharpie
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon