A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes