“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Yes, but it was never about money
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this