I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Butt weight. There’s more!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.