[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Tier 3 meme
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths