Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.