Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?