*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.