Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
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“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?