The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.