Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
You Might Also Like
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
12. I think about this all the damn time
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”