When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
#parenting
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me, after any kind of buffet.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did