I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you