I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.