Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
i actually laughed 😩
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.