detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it