*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles