as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second