“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
welp
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.