If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!