Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
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When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
he’s doing your taxes
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.