I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Owl Sanctuary
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I just ran a .003048K
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*