GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Never let them know your next move 😂
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure