“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
HERE’S MARKY
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
The first matador
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.