I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*