My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Meow?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.