If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function