Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.