How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it