science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
You Might Also Like
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Science memes
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Breaking news:
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?