imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
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Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
FRED: right
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.