I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
dads on road-trips be like
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”